Josh Allen Must Throw Dildo 100 Yards and Bodyslam Several Tables to Pass Buffalo’s Strict Concussion Protocol

Buffalo, NY – Bills Quarterback Josh Allen suffered a brutal helmet-to-helmet hit in last Sunday’s loss to the Patriots. The Bills second-year quarterback is in the NFL’s concussion protocol and his availability for Week 5 is completely based on if he can make it through Buffalo’s rigorous Five-Step Brain Function Test.

Not much is known about these tests but luckily The Innerloop Blog was able to get a copy of the concussion protocol steps and we’ll post them here for transparency:

Step 1: The player must undergo a brain scan at a local Buffalo hospital or closest Mighty Taco

Step 2: A trainer will put a plate of chicken wings in front of the player and ask if they’d like a side of Ranch or Bleu Cheese. If they say Ranch, they must start the test over.

Step 3: Buffalo players must be able to throw a dildo 100 yards and hit a cardboard cutout of Tom Brady in the face.

Step 4: Bills players must body slam 5 consecutive tables or 2 portable grills that are still lit.

Step 5: A certified neurologist will ask the player if they will continue to live in Buffalo after they retire. If the player says “yes” they are clearly unable to make good decisions and are still dealing with severe loss of brain function.

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