Dozens Slaughtered in Arena 51 Raid

ROCHESTER, NY — Dozens of people gathered in Jefferson Plaza to storm the remnants of LAN center, Arena 51 earlier today, only to be slaughtered by sweaty gamers.

“I knew it was gonna be a long shot, but didn’t expect anything to go like this.” Said Adrien D’Angelo, local musician, who last visited the LAN Center in 2004. “All I wanted to see was an alien — I ended up getting my ass handed to me in Day of Defeat by a group of 47 year old virgins and 14 year old bullies. They kept calling me ‘nub’ and ‘nubcakes’ and saying I got ‘PWN3D!1!!1one’ in the game chat. What the hell does that even mean?”

Witnessing evidence of extraterrestrial life wasn’t the main objective of all the raiders. A handful of attendees were more concerned with grabbing caffeinated beverages with a goofy name to help stay awake through the event.

“Yeah, I could care less about aliens.” Said Rob Blart, skeptic, veteran gamer and caffeine addict, “I just came here to slurp down some BAWLS. It’s the only way to keep me going on all my World of Warcraft nights. Did you hear they just released WoW Classic? Finally, I can pour hours of my life into that game again, for the second time.” He said while chugging the blue beverage, “And you know I’ve already been playing it for 15 years. That’s like half of my life, already. Maybe I’ll even reroll as Horde this time.”

Dr. Sarah Jensen, thesis in capitalist influence on mob mentality wasn’t surprised by the outcome of the raid.

“Yes, it’s not the first time that Alienware Computers have staged a raid on government property to boost sales.” She stated, “PC gaming, although high-end in graphic software, frame-rate and user agility, has been dwindling through the years with the new renaissance of console gaming.” She frowned, “Alienware and other PC hardware companies are doomed to a life of getting totally wrekt by their more recreational competitors. Unfortunately, one day they may have to call it quits and get a girlfriend.”

At press time, the raiders were too busy raiding Molten Core to comment on the success of the actual raid.

2 thoughts on “Dozens Slaughtered in Arena 51 Raid”

  1. I came here to laugh, not to be crushed by crippling nostalgia. I have to go all the way to LANada now if I want to play Counter-Strike outside of my house.

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