Rochester, NY – A leaked internal memo says that Mayor Lovely Warren has suggested “on more than one occasion” that the City of Rochester uses nuclear weapons to calm the wave pool at Seabreeze Amusement Park.
“She says that it’s important that we boost efficiency numbers in the economy,” claims one official close to the administration. “If the wave pool takes too long to settle, it creates a longer waiting period for patrons who could be spending their money elsewhere. So, in the words of Mayor Warren, ‘Why not just drop a big old nuke?”
Needless to say, the controversy did not take long to mount following this report. Many in the administration were reportedly quick to point out the cost of a nuclear weapon.
“We are talking about hundreds of thousands — possibly even millions of dollars,” stated another official, who was too boring to find anything to make fun of. “First, there’s the bureaucracy of authorizing the bomb, and government salaries add up. Then there’s the cost of the bomb itself, and you just know that citizens will be asking us to clean up all the radiation later. We can’t even fill our potholes… What do you expect us to do with radioactive waste?”
The administration is reportedly planning to announce the cancellation of the proposal today amidst budget concerns