Rochester, NY – We have received documents from inside sources saying that the 104 East ramp connecting to 590 that has been closed for “repairs” was actually closed for nefarious purposes.

According to our sources, the ramp was actually closed to funnel Irondequoitians to the 590/Empire Boulevard exit in an effort to sell more Slurpees.

711 hopes the road closure and the inclusion of the frozen beverage in the new season of Stranger Things will be enough to raise stock prices through the roof.

We can not tell you who are sources are or if they are just our Uncle who happened to be stuck in traffic this morning with a brain freeze from a Slurpee.