Amerks Players Forced to Gain 150lbs, Use Guns Instead of Sticks in Effort to Be More “American”

Rochester NY – The AHL has a new rule going into effect next season forcing all of the teams in the league to appear more like their nicknames.

The hope with the rule change is to increase fan turnout and attract a younger audience. “It’s tough with players always moving around to new teams to really root for any of them. If they have the physically alter their appearance to be on a team, we think that will add a new level of commitment to the city that will get everyone into hockey” said one local sports commentator that sounds like every other local sports commentator.

Big changes have already been made in the league. The San Jose Barracuda players are have had an oral surgeon sharpen their teeth,  the San Diego Gulls have rigged up a system to drop their player’s poop from the ceiling randomly onto the ice, and the Hershey Bears are set to have three burly gay men on their starting lineup.

The Rochester Americans staff decided that to fully represent their namesake that their players had to gain enough weight to be clinically obese and rig guns on to their hockey sticks. “What we lost in speed on our skates, we make up with bullets,” said Charlie Woncay the Amerks Team Captain.

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