WEBSTER, NY – “Flipper” the fish has had a rough life so far. Born just a day ago in a Walmart tank, he and all of his family members were moved into a big bag, put into the trunk of a car, and individually divided up into tiny bowls with food coloring.

Flipper was won by Little Timmy McCallisen after his Father made the mistake of thinking “there is no way this little idiot can make that pong ball into the bowl” and paying for him to play.

“As soon as that pong ball hit the water I knew it was time for me to make the choice that every Goldfish has to make. Am I going to make a go for it and live long enough to make these humans suffer? Or am I just going to die as soon as I get to their house” Flipper told The Inner Loop Blog.

While still high on the mushrooms we took before the Fireman’s Carnival we decided to talk to the other fish.

“Everyone thought the story of Nemo was messed up, but that type of shit happens to millions of us every day at these stupid carnivals,” said One-Eye a 3-year-old Goldfish that hasn’t been won yet. “I have been to every town around Rochester, living off of dye and the occasional cigarette butt that a carny drops in my bowl. How is this game still allowed? Hashtag Fish Lives Matter!”