ROCHESTER – Three suspects and one agent are dead after a shootout at the scene of a botched meth sting, when undercover Drug Enforcement Agency Kaplan Jeffers made the mistake of pronouncing the town “Chili” the way the rest of the goddamn country does.
“It was a bloodbath. I heard him say it through the wire, and then we heard nothing but screaming and gunfire “, said Supervisor Jackson, Agent Jeffers’ supervisor. “We had been over this for months. Why? Why did he have to slip up and pronounce things like a normal person at the drop?”
Agent Jeffers fortunately survived the chaos, but with a few serious injuries. He expressed remorse over his mistake: “Three years of dismantling a local cartel, down the drain. I had practiced the local lingo every day since on the case, and I messed up at the most clutch time. I even properly pronounced Greece the way everyone here does: ‘Rotting Dumpster Fire’!”
An investigation will be launched regarding the botched sting. Said Agent Jackson: “This is not the first time he’s messed up something by pronouncing it like a sane human being. His backstory was that he’s from Pulaski, NY, which they pronounce ‘poo-LASS-sky’, but he pronounced it ‘Pulaski”, like the rest of the goddamn civilized world, including the f***ing Revolutionary soldier after which the town was named, and all of cock-slapping POLAND. And he keeps mispronouncing my first name.”
Supervisor Jackson ensured that his first name is quite simple to pronounce: “DEE-kuh-Moonch”, which he appropriately spells, “Dickmunch”.