Rochester, NY – Hundreds of Rochester barbecue fans are disappointed as the Sticky Lips owner has been implicated in the growing scandal surrounding wealthy parents bribing American universities to accept their children.
Federal agents discovered evidence that in 2005, the BBQ magnate paid a SUNY Binghamton admissions coordinator 20,000 racks of ribs in exchange for his son’s admission to the college.
In a press release, Special Agent Carla Stein-Gerber had the following to say:
“In the course of routine auditing, a contractual agreement was discovered written on a napkin. It appears to have been sealed in blood and detailed that SUNY Binghamton administrators would receive ‘a fuckton of ribs’ in exchange for acceptance at the university.
“Upon further investigation, we discovered that the fuckton in question was twenty thousand racks specifically. Ten thousand were to be sauced in the classic smoked Hickory flavor, eight thousand would be of the Carolina Clipper variety, and two thousand would be Rosie Rivet’s Sweet and Sour sauce.
“The SUNY Binghamton staff made a note on the document that they would not accept Betty’s Burning Lips Spicy Sauce, as it was too hot and burned their tummies.
“The ribs were allegedly delivered to the university by truck every month. We cannot comment on the state of the ribs at arrival, only that there is a sizable pile of bones buried under the athletic center.”
Agent Stein-Gerber did not comment on whether the Sticky Lips owner would be prosecuted for his crimes, but an anonymous source reports that a Sticky Lips truck was spotted outside the Albany Courthouse in late March.
At press time, the blood described by Stein-Gerber was found to be Cherry Bomb Sweet Sauce.