ROCHESTER, NY — Local straight edge teen’s urine sales skyrocketed this morning following citywide 4/20 celebrations.
“Look, most jobs around here hire teenagers in Quarter 4 of the fiscal year to blow-out their yearly budget,” Said local teen, Dave Genovese, 15, sipping a bottle of water during his free period from Pittsford Sutherland High School. “It just so happens that 4/20 lands in Q3, and the allure of blazing it up on 4/20 to some sick jams and hot slices is too good to pass up for teens around here. I start hydrating a couple months out, come April, I’m up to 10 bottles of Evian a day, and I’m pissing like a racehorse. They throw me a 20, I give them a bottle of the sauce, and they’re on their merry way.” Said the entrepreneur, “Yeah, most of the clientele are my classmates, but you’d be surprised how much revenue I pull in from adults in this city.”
Will Tilton, 57, Vice President at Excellus BlueCross BlueShield, has been a customer of Genovese’s for years.
“I know it’s weird, a grown man asking a teenage boy to buy his urine.” Tilton admitted, “But with the rolling layoffs of seemingly every single institution in this city, well, you wouldn’t believe the amount of times that kid’s piss has saved my ass.”
Katherine Melchior, PhD in Clinical Psychology at Stanford, with a thesis on obsessive-compulsive tendencies, wasn’t surprised by the citywide hoarding of straight edge urine by the residents of Rochester.
“We see this all the time in my field, people want to have their cake and eat it too, in this case, they do so buy acquiring clean urine to pass nonsensical drug tests for the most rudimentary of jobs.” Melchior stated, “To be honest, I could care less about why people have hoarded urine, I’ve done it myself for my Professor gig after my three-week stint in the Black Rock Desert back in ‘08. What I’m absolutely flabbergasted by here, is how one teenage boy is solely providing urine for an entire city full of potheads. It’s just super-human.”
At press time, Inner Loop reporters were unable to attain further comment from Genovese due to a line of several hundred people waiting to purchase urine.