Times Square Building Will Test It’s Alien Defense Cannon This Weekend, Warn Officials

Rochester, NY – The Times Square Building in Rochester will finally be testing it’s Anti-Alien Cannon this weekend after 90 years of construction.

The Art Deco skyscraper designed by Ralph Thomas Walker in the 1930s is known for it’s “Wings of Progress” that soar into the clouds above the building. But in what has been a poorly kept secret, the Wings are also the barrel of a 6-Trillion Dollar MegaPartical Cannon.

“Where do you think all that tax money that was supposed to go to potholes went? It all goes into building this god dang cannon” joked the Mayor.

City Officials have put out a statement for residents not to be alarmed this Saturday during the test.

The press release states:

“If you see a giant blue blast in the sky, we’re not under attack, we’re just getting prepared for one. Also, if this is an Alien that has intercepted this message, just be warned. If you show up to Rochester, we’re going to blow up your shit. Yee, yee. Check yo shit. Beeeeeeettttchhhh.”

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