The Fast Ferry Was In Our Hearts All Along

ROCHESTER, NY — A no-longer frustrated man came to the realization the Fast Ferry that the city paid millions of dollars for in the early 2000’s was inside residents hearts all along.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s been having fever-dreams and muttering frustrations to himself for the past 15 years. Then this morning he exhaled and a whimsical lighthearted presence washed over him, with a child-like sense of wonder in his eyes.” Said Cathy Stevens, long-time partner of Hugh Stevens. “I’m so happy to see him like this.”

Inner Loop reporters found Stevens skipping and singing to himself in Highland Park.

“I’ve always wanted to visit Toronto, but whenever I thought about making the trip, images of the Fast Ferry just flashed in my eyes. Just the thought of the missed convenience gives me panic attacks.” Stevens said of 2008’s City Newspaper’s Winner of Best Misuse of Public Funds. “Something finally clicked this morning after a three hour long sob — I realized that if I wanted to travel to Toronto, I could just get off my butt and drive. You see, maybe the Fast Ferry had to leave Rochester, in order to inspire us, to go fast ourselves.”

Kathryn Robinson, PhD of Sociocultural Anthropology at Columbia, has been studying the effects of American City’s asset investment, and subsequent withdrawal on residents for years.

“We see this all the time. Be it water-based transportation, subway systems, or something as simple as ride-sharing, all these investments serve as a ploy to inspire a new sense of self-worth and motivation with the residents of whichever city the investments are removed from.” Said Robinson, scanning through years worth of documents. “Unfortunately, it only works for about 3% of people. The majority end up with shattered confidence, becoming maniacally depressed, stemming from the anxiety of where their tax dollars are going.”

Following our interview, Stevens was planning to embark for Toronto. His trip was aborted due to construction on all major highways throughout the city.

 

Zac Lux
@zaclux

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