ROCHESTER, NY – Worried that her son’s grades were not quite good enough to get into one of the most prestigious colleges in Rochester, Elizabeth Katherine went to a criminal extreme by flooding the admissions office of RIT with what authorities say was at least $2,000 worth of Kohl’s cash.
“You can buy a whole lot of discount khakis and bedsheets with that kind of scratch” stated FBI director Colin Dibble. “This woman needs to understand there’s not enough half price Yankee candles in the world to convince a prestigious school to look the other way for her son.”
Katherine faces up to 2 years in prison but will likely plead the charge down to probation and relinquishing her role on the Board of Directors of the Entitledwood Bitchcreek Homeowners Association.
The Onion already exists and writes better fake articles. This site is catered more towards the taste of middle aged white moms on Facebook.
We’re trying to a localized version of the onion, but thanks for your feedback and suck our collective dicks.