ROCHESTER, NY – Millennials are well known for their desire to die as soon as possible and what better place to accomplish that goal than by moving to a place that is constantly trying to kill everyone who inhabits our fair city with weather that does not abide by the laws of science.

Any reasonable person with no desire to live in this surreal nightmare reality can take a drive in the non-stop polar vortex that creates icy roads, whiteout visibility, and nearly no control over your vehicle on a daily basis for the course of 4-5 months. Odds are if you’re trying to reach eternal rest sooner than later just take a quick ride on literally any road which is definitely not plowed and you’ll end up wrapped around a telephone pole in no time.

“I moved to Rochester last week and I’ve already felt the rush of sweet merciful death after sliding uncontrollably off the bay bridge,” said a newly dead person and recent transplant from Sacramento, CA, Barry Chairister.