ROCHESTER, NY – Radio Host Getting in shape with his new Exercise plan: Relay Racism
Summer time is fast approaching, and local radio host Bob Lonsberry has a new fitness plan to get your body in shape for the beach (as long as there still IS a beach): Relay Racism™.
“You always start out with stretches”, Bob explains, “so reach your arm in front of you, and take as many selfies with brown people as you can. You can use this as evidence that you like the coloreds”.
At this point, you are ready for warm-up activities. “Do 30 back bends and backhanded compliments. Go to the Puerto Rican Festival, observe the Puerto Ricans in their natural habitat Jane Goodall style, and then write about your experience as if you actually care about the people you used as ethnic props. Finish up with some calf raises.”
Now that you’ve laid a good foundation of stretching both the truth and your muscles, you are ready to get into your workout. Bob suggests doing a 4-5 mile run around the edges of neighborhoods, and taking pictures of as much urban squalor as possible along the way. Post those pictures on social media with captions about their current state compared to yesteryear so that bigoted followers can burn calories by ranting about how “those” people don’t deserve to live and should be drug tested before being allowed to breathe. “One time”, Bob boasted, I took a picture of the old location of an Islamic center and acted like i didn’t know it had closed down. It was a hate cornucopia!”
“Also write about as much criminal activity you you can”, Bob instructs. “Everything from grand larceny to minor disturbances, especially at colored festivals. It doesn’t even matter if the crime had anything to do with the events! You just need to insinuate to accentuate your calf muscles.” When it was pointed out that there is often less crime at ethnic festivals than what happens at any spring/summer festival, he suggested to do crunches to get that awareness of blatant hypocrisy out of one’s head. “It is very important that you ignore that St. Patrick’s Day Parade attracts more crime per day than Juneteenth and the PR festival combined, or you won’t get those chiseled abs for the beach.”
To cool down, do 50 squats, and post a few sad stories about how “sorry” you are for the people you just used as cannon fodder for your bigoted thoughts. “If you can write something about a poor little brown kid or something, that is even better. Pretending to care about other people’s misfortunes really tightens up your glutes.”
It is uncertain if Bob ever thought about just doing the exercise without all of the veiled racism, as on his way to a bathroom with a glossy picture of Judge Leticia Astacio in his hand.