ROCHESTER, NY – With all the fanfare surrounding the new Chick Fil A, nearby restaurants are taking action to bring in customers who maybe don’t want to wait 2 hours for a chicken sandwich. Friendly’s CEO John Mcguire has an idea to bring some of those ballistic fast food fans “Listen, we know you want that newfangled chicken free roaming on a god damn farm or whatever. We’ll get you whatever you want from that place. Just please sit down and order some f***ing ice cream too you gluttonous, insatiable bastards.”

Chipotle CEO has a more sinister plan of action to stop the masses from the allure of crispy chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. “We’re making our employees eat our food, then they’re going to suicide bomb their bathrooms with non-stop diarrhea. Have some guac shits with your sweet tea lemonade you dumb f***s.”