Americans once again prepare to pretend to give a shit about Shaun White

With the Winter Olympics underway, people across the nation are preparing to carry on the tradition of pretending to give a shit that Shaun White exists.

“He seems like a pretty “chill dude” and he definitely gets some sweet “grindage” on the “snow” but I swear he only manifests physically once every four years and then after the Winter Olympics he transcends back into whatever state of existence Mountain Dew comes from.” Said a man watching the Men’s Parallel Giant Slalom event, which apparently is a real thing and not the result of throwing a sack full of scrabble pieces down the stairs and seeing what comes out.

“He’s a national hero though, so I gotta support our guy”

When asked what event he was most excited to see White perform in a the man responded

“I’ve honestly forgot if he does the board one or the one with the two fire pokers, but I truly wish him the best.”

Before we could press him to elaborate the man began a USA! USA! Chant before attempting to rip off his shirt and accidentally knocking over a bowl of slightly salted peanuts on the bar.


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