New York, NY- While it was a nightmare week for the United Airlines Public Relations team, their financial team is celebrating after somehow their stock just has risen from the dead.
“It truly goes to show that even if your CEO straight up defends beating up old Chinese dudes, things can return to normal” says United Junior Account Manager Brian McGorgmult. “The public truly has no attention span. They make their memes for a few days, get bored, and move onto something else. I hate to say it but I think Charlie Murphy dying is the best thing that has ever happened to our company.”
It’s truly a miracle that a the company could see a boost in trading on Wall Street after such a tumultuous week. Shares of United fell as much as 6.3% in pre-market trading, and dropped $1.4 billion from the now $21 billion company by market cap.
We asked our financial expert at The Inner Loop what this all means and he said: “Stop calling me Shane. I am your fathers accountant. You have no money. Why are you doing a blog for free? Are you an idiot?”