“It’s really funny” said Jeff from Accounting and that was all he had to say to know that this was the last time you would be having drinks with him after work. Which really sucks because he was the only one close in age with you. “Now what?” You think. “Am I going to have to become friends with Dale? That guy is 50 and only talks about his Cats. He refers to them as his little rays of sunshine?” Dale is the poster child for Zoloft.

You drive home still disappointed in Jeff. “How could he do this to me? I trusted his opinion before. HE HELPED ME PICK OUT MY WIFE’S RING!” As soon as you put your key in the door you realize, “Wait. I have never actually seen Dirty Grandpa.”

“Surely it cannot be as bad as the previews” says the voice in your head grasping at straws to hold you and Jeff’s relationship together. You decide that tonight, after the kids are asleep, you will sneak out of bed, and into your study to watch Bad Grandpa, wearing headphones and with your iPad screen at 2% brightness, so no one can catch you watching this “Zack Efron trash.”

 

You did it. You watched the whole thing. The entire movie that you never gave a chance. You sit in quiet reflection.

“Did I like that movie or am I just convincing myself that I liked the movie for Jeff’s sake?” You think back on Robert Dinero’s acting as an elderly man coping with the death of his wife from cancer, and his inner turmoil from the War by acting Dirty. “Is this really his best work since Raging Bull? Did I just have that thought? Can I even tell anyone I thought that?”

While asking yourself these questions you realize it is already 6:00am and time to go to work. You sit down at your cubicle, and there he is, Jeff. Oh sweet Jeff. You look into his eyes as he walks toward you carrying his “Don’t Talk To Me Until I Have Had At Least 4 Of These” mug, and you realize… This guy absolutely sucks, that movie sucked, and you not only have wasted your time watching it, but wasted your life at this dead end job, with these dead end people.

You ask yourself: “What Would Dirty Grandpa Do?” And that’s when you take a big steaming shit on the office floor and ruin your credibility. “Just like Robert Dinero” you think to yourself as you are escorted out of the building.