Standing Rock, North Dakota-  The protest have been going on for almost a year now and it only continues to grow more violent. This past week it was reported that a protester could possible lose their arm. This shameless violence has to come to an end, that’s why the United States government has taken extreme measures to bring this situation to a halt. They have decided to resurrect the one man who they know can completely eradicate the native americans, he’s done it before and by god he’ll do it again.

They have resurrected Christopher Columbus from the dead and have replaced most of his decayed organs with robotic prosthetics of the future and for a couple of giggles, they have now equipped him with the ability to shoot laser beams out of his eyes. unnecessary? Yes. Completely awesome to watch in action? absolutely. We were able to get an exclusive interview with the half cyborg/half man Christopher Columbus. We asked him what his initial plan to deal with the protestors was. This was his response.

” *Cyborg noise* HELLO, I AM CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, NATIVE AMERICAN KILLING MACHINE. I have been brought back to do one thing and one thing only, I will finish what I started. WHEN I FIRST LANDED HERE IN AMERICA, I KNEW THAT THE NATIVE AMERICANS WOULD CAUSE US TROUBLE. THEY TRIED TO CLAIM THEY DISCOVERED AMERICA BEFORE I DID. THIS CAUSED ME GREAT HUMILIATION, SO I VOWED TO DESTROY THEIR ENTIRE KIND, I WAS NOT ABLE TO FINISH IT, BUT NOW I WILL. I BELIEVE THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT HAS THE RIGHT TO LAY PIPES DOWN WHEREVER THEY PLEASE, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS IN A LAND FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVED HERE LONG BEFORE US AND ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE LAND. THOSE PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND MONEY OR OIL.”

At this point half cyborg/half human Christopher Columbus started to malfunction and saying things like “please dont kill me again, hell is so hot and they all make fun of me down there”.