ROCHESTER, NY– Voting booth attendance ground to a halt this morning as a shocking discovery shook the conservative right. It has been revealed today that presidential candidate Donald Trump has in fact, this entire time, been a Jeff Dunham ventriloquist dummy.
News affiliates first became skeptical of Trump’s legitimacy as a human being after several in person meeting and press conferences as Trump acted like a poor caricature of an 80’s “business” man, spouted racist nonsense at an unprecedented level, and his mouth didn’t always line up with what he was saying.
It wasn’t until this morning when an exhausted Jeff Dunham collapsed from behind the GOP frontrunner, wheezing and begging for medical assistance. After recuperating, Dunham admitted that he thought this character was “just a funny joke” among his other cast of characters: A racist depiction of a muslim, a racist Mexican hot pepper, a racist depiction of a black pimp, an old man who is just racist, a mentally handicapped adult, and a monkey.
Jeff Dunham, who is “famous” for doing “comedy” had reportedly been working on the character since the early seventies, when first developing his routine. “I just kept thinking” Dunham says, “wouldn’t it be great if I made a great big wood man! and he has money! and hates everything about brown people! and-and he likes boobs! and butts-GIRL butts! oh wow, I gotta get back out there!”
Dunham refused to provide further comment, saying that he was “Hot on the campaign trail!” running from the hospital with a briefcase full of “comedic” ventriloquist dummies.
Conservative voters have yet to stop voting for trump, even after hearing the news that a “comedian” had a hand up his ass for the entire election.