Rochester, NY- As we saw from the shameless display of roundabout question dodging and 4th grade insult tactics, we as Americans are now-in the biblical sense-f***ed two ways from Sunday. The one saving grace from the debate were its moderators, Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper, who steered the wrinkly disappointments as well as they could.

In the wake of this national tragedy of politics, it seems as though both moderators have stepped up to the plate, figuratively speaking, and have joined to form a 3rd party platform running in this presidential election.

Raddatz/Cooper 2016 has become a widespread phenomenon, running on the platform of “We’re out of time-” and “can we please just move on?” which has been resonating with voters young and old across the country.

In response, the Clinton and Trump campaigns have both hired other news correspondents as running mates: Clinton desperately trying to scrape up any loose Wolf Blitzers after last month’s Blitzer Diaspora, and Trump hiring Bill O’Riley to accuse children of 9/11ing public education or some other bullshit. 

Raddatz has put forward a strong message in her slogan of “we’re out of time,” and recent polls suggest that Anderson Cooper is going to be the most handsome VP in history, bringing a much needed sexiness to the role of America’s weird uncle.

As of now, the next debate is scheduled to be moderated by Clinton and Trump, who will argue the entire time while Raddatz and Cooper sit silently on stage, calmly blowing kisses to the audience for three hours.