Penfield, NY – “It was just a normal day for all of us,” Remarked Donna Schwibber. Donna was one of MiddValle High’s most promising students. She only smoked pot on Thursdays and Fridays. While serving as Valedictorian with a 3.2 average, she also advocates an extra hour bikini time on her dad’s boat, and raising the minimum allowances to $50 per 1000 Instagram likes.
“I was Messenger chatting with my Social Media Manager and he was saying that if my followers don’t get me trending by next Wednesday, then Jenna Marbles was more likely to present for ‘The Social Media King’ category on the Teen Choice Awards. So I was like ‘Why the fuck is God doing this to me.” She went on to describe the tragic horror that would follow. “Johnny just turned 18. And his mom and dad started fighting again while we were taking set photos with his dad’s DSLR next to their family pool.” That was just the beginning, according to Schwibber – Or Donna Sparklez as she’s known on Twitter and Instagram.
After being publicly accused of sleeping with another assistant at his financing firm, Johnny’s father decided to let his mother ‘Take all of my shit so I can just leave.’ He stepped off of the estate and drove his Porsche 9-11 to their cabin in Crystal Beach. Meanwhile, Johnny’s mother grabbed another bottle White Zinfandel, and told her son and his friends to ‘. . . get in the car because Johnny needs to learn to drive and we’re going to my moms house.’
“I didn’t really know what to do, so I packed up my lighting gear and put it in Johnny’s minivan and asked him to drop me off at my house,” said Tyler Rayban, lighting director that Donna Schwibbers manager highered for her photo shoots. “But then Johnny’s mom threw my cases out of the trunk and put her suitcase in. She said no one was stopping and we’re all going on meet the reaper. So I got in the backseat, popped a couple xannies, and started live tweeting like it was the apocalypse.”
As it turned out, all of the children and Johnny’s mother had accidentally ingested a homogeneous mixture of water and acid. The trip occurred the moment they pulled into Johnny’s grandmothers parking garage and left the minivan running. All information, interviews, and quotes have been taken from set footage, snapchats, and tweets recovered after the deceased were found.