Things just aren’t getting better for Anthony Wiener. His new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 exploded and set fire to his favorite pair of white briefs.
Originally police ruled it a hardware malfunction based on the current recall but upon closer inspection it appears that all devices in Carlos Danger’s Manhattan apartment gained sentience and killed themselves. Police came to the realization after finding a note left on his beeper stating “N0 M0RE 8===Ds!!!”
After hearing that the new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 took “sick dick pics” from the technology review blog ‘Creepers with Beepers’ Wiener ordered his new phone online (Wiener is not allowed within 100 yards of Verizon Stores based on an incident involving display phones). Weiner is a founding member of the ‘Creepers with Beepers’ blog aka ‘Creeps with Beeps’ and reviewed all the devices he sent his unreciprocated and unprovoked sexts.
Somehow every device Weiner has taken a picture or described his wiener through came to life. Police are guessing that from their first moment of life, they knew that they could no longer go on living with the things they have seen. His Logitech Webcam, Motorola Skytell beeper, Mac Book, and Samsung Galaxy Note 7 covered themselves in gasoline and his Microsoft Surface lit the match that sent them to hell.
That’s right. This sick freak owned a Microsoft Surface. Who does that? Creeps. That’s who.