Rochester, NY- Donald Lancaster awoke to the sound of his alarm clock buzzing. He chose to hit the snooze button multiple times. Donald frantically woke up at 10:34 am late for his first day of work. What does Donald do for a living you ask? Donald just got a full-time job to stand outside of a local Bodega and stare at innocent civilians walking by with a look that you’re not really sure if its friendly or if he would stab you if you got too close. We spoke with Donald to get a feel of how that first shift went for him.
“I was really excited when I found out I got the job! My cousin Eddie hooked me up with it! I think he’s been standing outside of bodegas for over a decade now! People have thought that he’s owned so many stores by just hanging outside of them! A job where I can get all the respect and have none of the responsibility? Hell yeah, I signed up! My cousin recommended I buy a couple of white tank tops and get a tattoo of a giant cross on my arm to make myself seem like a professional!”
We asked Donald to walk us through the life in a day of a “Corner man” as they call themselves.
10:30 AM- I usually roll up pretty slow and look in multiple directions, not because I’m looking for anything, just in case anyone is watching me they can think I’m up to something.
12:00 PM- This is the lunch rush, so I make sure to usually have one or two beef jerky sticks in my hand and a menthol in the other. I find that the odor both of those things bring helps make me look professional.
3:00pm- This is a great time to pretend on my cellphone yelling at someone. Lots of traffic around this time and it’s just a great atmosphere when people are parked at a red light right in front of me as I’m screaming at my bitch of a girlfriend.
7:00 Pm- I’m pretty much done at this point and the next guy, Rico comes in to take over. I try to make sure the place it set up for success, I generally discard any loose receipt or trash in my pockets around the area and I scream racist slurs for a solid thirty minutes. I’m really trying to make a good impression.
Donald thanked us for interviewing him and said he had to leave so he could catch a cab home and then argue with the driver about how expensive it was.