Rochester, NY — Local meteorologist Brock Hamilton of WROC News 8 said in an interview Monday he now believes the current stretch of unseasonably cold and damp weather we’ve been experiencing is simply the first harbinger of the arrival of Texas Senator Ted Cruz, slated for Friday. “Similar trends were reported in Madison, Wisconsin, just a few weeks ago,” explained Hamilton, “the sky goes grey, the air grows cold and musty as if from the mausoleum of an ancient Viking warlord. It typically turns like this about a week before Senator Cruz arrives.”
While the cold streak is expected to subside this weekend, local residents should not be alarmed by other developments ahead of Friday’s campaign event. Father Daniel Kristof of the First Methodist Church of Christ warns that in the next few days we will likely be dealing with thousands of pigs fleeing to drown themselves in the Genesee River.
“We don’t wan’t people to be alarmed, but parents of small children are being advised to mark their front doors with flat tax proposals Thursday night to ensure that their first borns will be spared,” said Kristof in his Sunday church newsletter.
The rally for Senator Cruz is set to take place Friday afternoon, where the presidential candidate and fallen angel from the seventh circle is expected to deliver his usual stump speech about how New York is populated exclusively by pink-commie, satanist, lesbians, and how the state will burn with Sodom and Gomorrah when President Cruz brings about the second Great Cleansing. Attendees are invited to bring Biology textbooks and Harry Potter novels for a book burning after the candidate’s appearance.
Local weather is expected to improve this weekend, and experts nationwide believe the omens will subside after the Junior Texas Senator is banished back to slumber in Valhalla after a major general election defeat.