Rochester, NY-  James Menkell is currently recovering at Strong memorial hospital from third degree burns. James Menkell was like any other twenty-four year old. His day consisted of working, school and browsing tinder for endless hours until it seems that his very existence was being questioned and his actual physical being was being absorbed into a neverending stream of numbers and swipes, sending humanity back into a shallow existence.

Yet, today James was not an average twenty-four year old, he was a twenty-four year old who just came face to face with the grim reaper himself/herself. We spoke with James in the hospital to ask him how this horrible incident came to pass,”I really don’t remember much to be honest, I remembering just swiping right non-stop out of pure desperation to validate myself and to at least know that, maybe one person within a 100 mile radius between the ages of 18-100 wanted to have sex with me, let alone find five pictures of myself attractive, three of them being group photos.”

James continued to rant about how tinder isn’t a fair representation of who he is and he wishes that the Women/men/older women/ older men on there would just understand who he is and to look past the fact he’s been on a local kickball team for the past three years by choice. We asked James how he walked into the fire, despite fire being so obvious.

“I mean I don’t think what I did was some rare event or something, I was walking down Monroe avenue swiping right on this chick named Becky because she had a nose ring and those are cute as f*** and next thing I know I’m in some guys back yard in Fairport and I heard people yelling, watch out for the fire, but how serious could I take those claims? If they really didn’t want anything bad to happen to me they should have sent me a picture of the fire.”

James will be recovering at Strong Memorial Hopsital for the next month, where he hopes he finds anyone to have pity on him and third degree burns attractive.