Rochester, NY- Nick Tahou’s is the place where it all happens. Its been all over the news, its known nationwide for its famous garbage plate’s. You’re friends love it, your co-workers love it and even that bitch step mom of yours loves it. Yet, there’s always this feeling you can’t shake when you’re in there. Maybe its the decor or the smell of greasy soul sucking food sneaking its way into your nostrils. You cant help but have this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach…is Nick Tahou’s actually a homeless shelter? We’ve been doing some investigating and we have all the signs you need to realize that your favorite 2am hangout spot, is actually a refuge for the homeless people you could give two shits about.

1. It’s homeless Pete’s favorite hangout spot- Everybody loves homeless Pete! Who wouldn’t! He laughs, he sings and he’s survived 3 winters in Rochester! Yet, every time you’re at Nick Tahou’s, homeless Pete is always hanging in the same corner smoking a cigarette and throwing half filled red bull cans into his garbage can fire pit. Sure, everybody is welcome at Nick Tahou’s, but why the homeless?
2. Every booth is covered by tarps- Sure, you’re drunk, but you’re not an idiot. You know those tarps aren’t there for a leak in the roof. The homeless never feel safe from rain and they will always put tarps up no matter where there at. It’s just who they are. When you ask the older looking teenager behind the counter whats going on, he ask you if you want to donate blood.
3. The garbage plate has been replaced by morphine– I’m all for change and improving on things, but when I’m shit faced at 9am, I want a nice hot garbage plate right in front of my face. Not some judgmental nun telling me that I need to calm down or else I’m going to bleed to death, what kind of country is she trying to run?
4. Someone is always offering a hand job- Maybe this isn’t something to complain about, but can’t a guy just eat some food in peace without some weirdo offering him a handjob?  I dont have 5 bucks to spare, but I have 1 can of 4loco left in my backpack, isnt that good enough for a hand job?
5. The police say this is part of the court order– Your halfway down the street, you can almost taste sweet freedom, sure that weird bracelet on your ankle wont shut the f*** up, but who cares! Then the police pull up and take out their shiny bullet launchers and drag you back to Nick Tahou’s. “If you leave again, you’ll spend time in the pen.” they say.

I know its only 1986 but Nick tahou’s has really changed. I remember the days when a regular guy like myself could grab a garbage plate and be on his way. If you like being verbally abused and the smell of homeless people, then by all means go to Nick Tahou’s, but if you’re a sane time traveling being like myself, you’ll go down the street to dogtown.